Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. —Ephesians 4:31-5:2

Over the past eleven years of teaching, I’ve taught, with the exception of elementary school, every level from pre-K to upperclassmen in high school, and I can confidently say I’ve never had to deal with more drama than I deal with now that I’m teaching 8th grade. I get play-by-plays, sometimes daily, from students about who said what about whom, who got together, and who broke up. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had students tell me they can’t be in someone’s group or sit at so-and-so’s table because they have drama.

It can be exhausting. And each year, there’s always that one kid who might as well be a drama magnet. One year, that kid came in the form of a young lady who didn’t seem to have it in her to respond to those around her without being rude and disrespectful.

It didn’t matter what other students said to her or if we were in the middle of a lesson. She was going to spit out the rudest, most cutting comeback she could come up with. And she was going to say it loud enough for everyone to hear.

For reference, I never heard anyone say anything to her that would have warranted that kind of harshness. That was just how she wanted to treat people. It didn’t matter the consequences. She was going to make sure she had the last word, and she was going to make it sting.

When Relationships Get Messy

Most of us understand that treating people that way on a regular basis isn’t in our best interest. But when it comes to that one coworker or cousin or neighbor who consistently gets on our nerves, it can be tempting to wash our hands of the relationship. Dealing with difficult people is something every believer faces, but Scripture calls us to respond differently.

This same attitude can crop up when we find ourselves in conflict with the people we love. When the kids or the spouse do that thing that we’ve asked them not to do so many times, and we don’t control our anger like we should, we can find ourselves shrugging off our harsh response because they pushed us to it. They deserve it. It’s the truth. If they’d only listened the first time.

The Biblical Call to Forgiveness and Grace

At its root, this is an attitude that we don’t deserve accountability for how badly we treated someone because they treated us that way first. It’s their fault, not ours. But according to this week’s passage, that’s not a biblical attitude to have.

It’s not a particularly comfortable truth because this attitude comes so easily, so naturally, when someone hurts us. But what’s described in Ephesians 4 is the exact opposite.

The last half of Ephesians 4 is a description of how Christians should live. After a quick contrast between how the Gentiles live and how Christians should live, Paul goes through a list of things we need to remove from our lives. Lying. Sinning in our anger. Stealing. Unwholesome talk. Bitterness, slander, and harsh words. According to Paul, all those things have to go.

Replace Anger with Reconciliation

What’s interesting is what Paul tells the church at Ephesus to put in place of those things. Each time he says to put away a negative behavior, he says to replace it with actions that build connection, relationship, and trust.

Instead of lying, we’re to be truthful while keeping in mind the fact that “we are members of one another” (verse 25). Rather than sinning in our anger, we’re to try to repair the relationship before the sun goes down. Instead of stealing, we’re supposed to work hard so we have something to share.

It’s a pattern that goes on and on until we get to verses 31-32, where Paul sums it all up—rather than being focused on ourselves, we’re to be wired for redemption and reconciliation. When we relate to each other, rather than getting back at the person who hurt us, we should be jumping at the chance to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving.

Living a Life of Redemption and Reconciliation

It’s a complete re-wiring that we need. Our flesh may steer us toward getting our pound of flesh, but God desires that we imitate how quick He is to forgive us and draw us back to Himself.

Can you imagine that life? A life in which we make it a priority to build up and, when necessary, restore our relationships. A life in which we’re as eager to reconcile as the father of the prodigal son.

There’s no doubt that it would be difficult. When we’ve been hurt, it’s all too easy to give in to that anger and become the cause of someone else’s hurt. But at the same time, I can’t imagine how much deeper our relationships would be, and how much richer our intimacy with God would be when we train ourselves to love reconciliation more than wrath.